I have a headache right now. There could not be a better time for me to be listening to music through headphones while staring at a bright computer screen in the middle of my darkened bedroom, right? I guess it's probably not the brightest idea, but what else am I to do? It's the same thing every single day, even on weekends. I've spent the last 7 hours of my life watching college football on television. I missed the first half of the Wisconsin/Michigan game because I was busy putting up 63 points on Cincinnati in Madden '09. Brady Quinn (I) went 16 of 17 for 460+ yards and 7 TD (no picks) to go along with my 240 yards rushing. Wow, the Bengals' defense is terrible even in a video game! I followed that game up with a very poor performance against Pittsburgh in the final regular season game. I scored 21 points in the first 3 minutes of the game then proceeded to throw five picks, but I still beat the Steelers by 20-some to finish my undefeated regular season with the Browns. I play on All-Pro, which is the level right below All-Madden, and it's really boring right now. I'm a pretty good Madden player and really need to move up to All Madden, but anyone that plays Madden will tell you that the difference between Rookie -> Pro and Pro -> All Pro is not even close to the difference between All Pro -> All Madden. Once I win the Super Bowl, I'm going to move up to All-Madden and force myself never to look back. But I am really guessing you did not want to hear any of what I just told you. It means nothing to you, and you don't really care. (Unless yo'ure a Madden player who understands what I'm talking about, even in which case you still don't care!) Very little of what I do affects anybody, and I, myself, have very little to look forward to every week as it is. What do I do? I go to work five days a week, Monday through Friday from 7:30am to 4:30pm. Then what? I drive home and watch three episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond from 5-6:30. After that I normally take a quick glance at Yappi and JJHuddle (used to before I got kicked off) to see if there's anything worth talking about. Online sports forums is another topic I want to talk about some day, but I really feel like continuing to randomly rant instead of keeping to a topic. But yah, I do absolutely nothing all week until Friday night where I keep stats for a football team, then go to another game Saturday morning and watch football on television all Saturday afternoon and evening (yep, that's today). I go to church Sunday morning, then watch football all Sunday on television. Wait, somewhere between Saturday's games and Sunday's games I put the finishing touches on my four fantasy football teams/leagues. It adds some competition to my life, fantasy sports that is. I have actually been in the fantasy baseball championship match the last two weeks, and it concludes tomorrow. I'm trailing a little going into the final two days, but my guys have really stepped it up this week after totally choking the first seven days. So, in evaluating what I actually do, I have thought why do I really need to work? (Don't take this the wrong way. I love my job!) I'm paying off my car and my student loans. Outside of that, I don't have a family of my own to care for. Who knows when that will happen. Well, at least I know that if I turn 30 and am still single, I have a few friends that are buying me a Russian mail-order wife. At least I have a backup plan, right? But not for another 8 years. Until then, I guess it's the same old same old? Actually, that brings me to the exact thought that prompted me to write this blog. I saw the Alabama 24 Georgia 0 score in middle of the 2nd quarter and asked myself when the last time was that I had a meaningful, heart-to-heart conversation with someone. You know what's weird? Anyone that has been around me for sometime will tell you that I am often wordy (isn't it obvious), that I have a unique way with words, are pretty articulate, and can debate/think on my feet pretty well.
But to tell you the truth, the most meaningful and fulfilling conversations I have had in the past four years have been over the phone with someone I truly care for; and those conversations were completely full of times I could not think of anything to say not because I was bored or because it was awkard, but because we were discussing something that was meaningful, something that meant something.
I always want to say the right thing in the right way, and maybe I correct others too much for not saying things properly (I'm an anal grammar/English nut). But even in those moments where both of us were silent, both trying to think what we wanted to say and what the other was trying to say as good friends do, it was a moment(s) that I will never forget and that I truly miss experiencing. I long to be as close with someone again so that we can have those conversations, experience those moments of intellectual stimulation that goes past that of simple statistics or facts and extends into meaningful and relevant logic and emotion. I'm looking for someone that will force me to be a better person, not for my own self-conscience but so that others may not have to deal with the bitter person I have been at times over the past few years. That's one word that I am embarassed to say describes me to an extent right now - bitter. I'm kind of embarssed to admit that, because I really don't like bittnerness, but it's the truth. I need an accountability partner - someone neutral and someone that will push me. Everyone has best friends and good friends and acquaintances you get along with, and for those people I am undoubtedly and eternally grateful. However, I think you know what I'm talking about. I am so anxious to find "the one" not because I think "it's about time" or because I haven't had a relationship in a while. That's not why. It's hard to explain, but it's much more important than me. It's about the difference she and I could make in our community (or wherever) when we finally find each other. Everyone has potential and unique skills and talents. I'm no different, but I'm not not using mine, whatever they might be. I have always believed that the "true you" is never fully revealed until you meet that someone that forces it out of you. That is when you find out all the good (and/or bad) that has been built up inside of you. I just hope and think that there is more good left in me than bad. I guess the word that comes to mind right now is motivation. What is really pushing me right now? I really think my Faith will be taken to another level, too, when I finally find the one. I am trying my hardest right now, no doubt! But I am looking forward to that extra level of motivation. Moving into my own apartment is one thing that would consolidate me from so-called "distractions" and enable me to focus on more important things and get me out of my day-to-day pattern. But as many college students can relate, I can't really move out when I have to pay off my college education.
I think I just ran into a dead end. Haha! That was weird. I was typing right along the last little while, but my head just went blank. Hmm... I guess it's time to go watch the rest of the Georgia/Alabama game, which is 31-3 late in the 3rd quarter. Wow, I've been typing for a long time! I am sorry for the length. Leave feedback if you wish!
May God continue to bless you.
-Marcum
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