Funfile - The wonderful collection of programming mystiques

While in HP-UX training a few weeks ago, the Citrix server we were using had a file called "funfile" with some great programming mystiques, jokes, and one-liners. Enjoy!

10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
After a number of decimal places, nobody cares.
All computers run at the same speed. . . with the power off.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
Another megabytes the dust.
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do.
Any program that runs right is obsolete.
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
APL is a write-only language.
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim.
Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. -- Tom Lehrer
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.
Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picasso
Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.
Hackers have kernel knowledge.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
If a program is useful, it must be changed.
If a program is useless, is must be documented.
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station ?
Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine.
Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, Gospel out.
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. -- R. S. Barton
One if by LAN, two if by C.
Real programmers don't eat cache.
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular ?
Supercomputer: Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem. -- Ken Batcher
System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.
The computer is mightier thatn the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The steady state of disks is full.
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
The world is coming to an end. . . SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
Those who can't write, write help files.
To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Variables won't; constants aren't.
You might have mail.
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.

May God continue to bless you.
-Marcum

Dance Songs (Classics & Your Favorites)

I need your help! I'm making a list of dance songs. Here is what I'm looking for:

• Classic Oldies
• New Fast Songs
• Popular Line Dances
• Other favorites or songs you'd hear at a club/party
  

Please post any songs that I don't have already. Thanks!

ABBA - Dancing Queen
B-52's - Love Shack
The Beatles - Twist and Shout
Bob Segar - Old Time Rock 'N Roll
Britney Spears - Womanizer
C&C Music Factory - Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)
Cher - Believe
Chris Brown - Forever
Darude - Sandstorm
Darude - Calm Before the Storm
Darude - Feel the Beat
Deee-Lite - Groove Is In the Heart
DJ Otzi - Hey Baby
Duran Duran - The Reflex
Eiffel 65 - Blue
Fall Out Boy - Thanks for the Memories
Flo Rida - Right Round
Gloria Estefan - Conga
Good Charlotte - I Don't Wanna Be In Love
Jewel - Intuition
John Legend - Green Light
Kanye West - Amazing
Katy Perry - Hot N Cold
KC & The Sunshine Band - Shake Your Booty
Kelly Clarkson - My Life Would Suck Without You
Kenny Loggins - Footloose
Kevin Lyttle - Turn Me On
Kevin Rudolf ft. Lil' Wayne - Let It Rock
Kool & the Gang - Celebration
Lady Gaga - Just Dance
Lady Gaga - Pokerface
Lindsay Lohan - Bossy
Lipps Inc - Funky Town
Little Eva - The Locomotion
Los Del Rio - Macarena
Marcia Griffiths - Electric Slide
MC Hammer - Can't Touch This
Meatloaf - Paradise by the Dashboard Lights
Michael Jackson - Billy Jean
Miley Cyrus - See You Again
Missy Eliot - Work It
Moulin Rouge Soundtrack - Rhythm of the Night
The Outfield - Your Love (Dance Remix)
Prodigy - Popcorn
R. Kelly - Ignition (Remix)
Rick James - Super Freak
Right Said Fred - I'm Too Sexy
Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock - It Takes Two
Salt N Pepa - Push It
Sean Kingston - Beautiful Girls
Sean Paul - Temperature
Sean Paul - Get Busy
Shaft - Mambo Italiano (Radio Edit)
Shakira - Whenever, Wherever
Soulja Boy - Crank Dat Soulja Boy
Stacey Q - Two of Hearts
Styx - Mr. Roboto
Sweet - Ballroom Blitz
T.I. - Live Your Life
Tone Loc - Funky Cold Medina
Unknown - Cha Cha Slide
Usher - Yeah
Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby
Village People - Macho Man
Village People - YMCA
Whitney Houston - I Wanna Dance With Somebody

May God continue to bless you.
-Marcum

It's Been a While, My Friend

Three weeks ago there were three of us at work that started up a once-defunct running club. Now every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday we run 3 miles through Orrville during our lunch break. It's okay, there are lockers and showers for us to use after we finish running, so we don't gross anybody out... or at least we don't try. As long as I can remember, I was always a sprinter, whether it was on the baseball diamond, football field, basketball court, soccer field, or track; but I have adjusted pretty well to the distance running and think I like it.

The first week we ran, our times were right around 29:00, 28:45, and 28:30. Since then, our/my times have dropped every day, going from 28:15 to 17:53 to 17:30 exactly, and today I ran a sub-17:00 3-mile. It's going to be hard to drop my personal best every time I go out and run like I have so far, but I plan on gradually lowering it over the next few weeks and months. My short-term goal is to run a sub-24:00 5k. I don't think it will take me that long to get there, especially with a little more training, self-pace experience, and my co-workers pushing me to make sure I run 3+ times a week. My long-term goal is to break 21:00 for 3 miles. It's going to be very tough, but I know I can do it within 6-8 months, approximately. Well, 6-8 months is my preferred/estimated time to reach my long-term goal; but as long as I get there eventually, I'll be happy.

So, that means I'm going to start running in some 5k races. I never thought I'd do that since, like I said, I've never been a distance guy; but I'm very capable of competing, and that's what I want to do - compete. Competition always brings out the best (and the worst) in people, and I enjoy every ounce of competition I can find. You never know how good you can be until you put yourself up against some competition. And by "competition" I don't mean simply playing "against" somebody. When I say "competition," I speak of those that are better than you and challenge you to do your best in a realistic attempt to win. Otherwise it's just, well, a game partner. See how gay that sounds when I put it like that? Haha!

Speaking of competition, I'm looking forward to potentially playing in another church softball league again this year. Last year I started playin on the same team as usual, but they were poorly managed and did not have a primary (or secondary, or tertiary) goal to win. So, I just wasn't a good fit for them. Since then, I have missed playing on the diamond. If we can get a competitive team going this year, I'm all for playing again... and I hope I get to! But, I will not play for a team that isn't trying to win. Period.

Please don't take this as a "Holier than thou" speech or anything like that, because it definitely is not. I am just saying that some people play solely to have fun, and some play to win. I just happen to love the games, so I have fun while playing to win. What drives me nuts is... Arghh, I really shouldn't go into it. It has something to do with people who play the game just to be part of something and don't belong, and when those people get vocally upset or offended when those that are playing to win actually act like they are playing to win. We suddenly become the bad guys for some reason. Handle it!

I guess that turned into a little rant, but oh well. We ran 3 miles at work today; and since we don't have work on Friday, we're running 4 miles tomorrow - stretching it out a little bit. Long weekend, though. Good Friday, then double-header Saturday at Smithville. Then church and Easter lunch/dinner at my brother and his wife's house. Then I go back to work on Monday, I guess. Hmm, let's see when my next vacation is... Thursday and Friday, June 4-5, and then that Saturday, June 6. Those are the dates for the state baseball tournament which I am attending. I actually began attending state finals/tournaments this year when I went to the football state finals and boys basketball state tournament, and now the baseball state tournament is slowly approaching. I hope to make all 3 of them a yearly tradition.

But who needs vacation when you're swamped at work? It's one thing to be swamped. It's a totally different ballgame to be swamped after sending someone an important file three different times as reminders of an approaching due date and then getting the required information back 4 days before the project is due. BUT - I am not the only person on this planet, so I know those people are busy, too. I need to let it go, and I'll do my absolute best with the hand I'm dealt.

That's all poker is about anyway, right? You get dealt a hand, and you get the absolute most chips you can out of it, every hand, no matter how good or bad the hand is. Obviously there are many hands in many situations when you assume to make no money/chips at all, so you throw it away. But, even when you hit the Nuts (best possible hand), you just get what you can out of it. If you knock someone out, then sweet! If you double up, even better! But if your opponent will only call 50% of the pot, then you bet 50% of the pot to get what you can. Survival of the fittest!

Poker is really a fun game, though. I'm starting to get back into playing it a little more. I've been on UltimateBet a few nights the last 2 weeks since I still had some money left on there, and I've made money each time I've played. That's one thing I'll never get about poker. The more you play, the less disciplined. I have always found that if I have a long layoff from poker, the next I play is when I will play my best. I am disciplined and patient with a clear mind. No tilt. Always keep it in perspective.

Keeping things in perspective is something I could do better at, though. With baseball, we're 3-3 right now having lost some games we shouldn't have lost. I can't stand losing, and it eats at me all the time. However, I realize how little the game itself means when I get home. And when I get home and realize that the game is not that important, I begin to ask myself what is important. Ya know, I cannot wait until I finally meet "the one." I may have already met her, but I can't wait until I realize who she is. I'm not being selfish at all, though. I just think that I have a lot to offer to help make her a better person, and I know there are tons of women out there that can help make me a better person. That's a huge part of a relationship, IMO - two people that can and will challeng each other to be better people and more successful people. I don't want to say too much on this subject since I'm sure I could write a whole new blog entry on what I'm looking for in a woman. I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

"Sometimes we don't do the things we want to do so that others won't know we want to do them."
-Ivy Walker, "The Village"

May God continue to bless you.
-Marcum

Can you smell it?

It's getting to be that time of year again, the best season of them all... Spring! There is only one thing that comes to mind when I think of Spring - baseball. The "Great American Passtime." Many who know me know that I like the cooler temperatures, so that means I don't mind Winter weather. However, just 'cuz I don't mind it doesn't mean that I don't wait eagerly for Spring to roll around. The moderate temperatures, unpredictable rain forecasts, and tornado warnings are all part of Spring, but it's worth it when I remind myself that as soon as we use some Diamond Dry on the baseball field, we'll be back in action! That's just one positive anecdote that comes with the territory.

Going back to when I was in elementary and middle school and earlier, baseball was a huge part of my life. I always loved the transition between Winter and Spring, and it wasn't even the feel of the temperatures or the sight of the grass that got me excited. It was the anticipation of baseball season and, ultimately, the smell. I would always tell my parents "It's starting to smell like baseball season!" And it was. It's a very distinct smell; refreshing, light, clean, humid, and a slight scent from the new life in the grass. It would get stronger and stronger as time went, and I knew, by smell, that baseball season was getting closer and closer. It was probably the most enjoyable anticipation I ever experienced. It still happens today. Although I'm not playing the game like I did then, I still get that feeling inside when I can begin to smell the seasons changing.

Whether I'm coaching, playing, umpiring, or just functioning as a spectator, baseball season is still the same. In my opinion, it's the most under-appreciated sport by those who don't play it. When talking about football or basketball, the non-fan still recognizes and acknowledges the difficulty involved and the skill needed to perform at a high level. However, baseball doesn't get that same respect. Instead of the other athletic sports, baseball is a sport that must be loved in order for an athlete to understand and achieve its highest accomplishments.

Well, it's getting close to that time. Before this most recent surge of snow we just got in Ohio, I caught the first whiff of baseball season, and I got tingly inside. There's still a little of that white stuff on the ground as I look outside, and the bitter cold temperatures are hiding the fragrance of our Great Passtime some, but I know that it'll be in full bloom in just a few weeks! The actual baseball season is already upon us, having snuck up much more quickly and unexpectedly than usual, but it's almost here nonetheless! Pitchers & Catchers starts Monday, and every school in the state of Ohio will begin their official preparation for this coming season. When we finally take the field for the first time on March 30, I will know once and for all that it not only smells like baseball season... it finally is!

Short blog entry, I know. I just had to write something to create a wordy, doctored up representation that tells you "I'm ready for baseball!" Still bored? Read my other blog about baseball: Don't Doubt Baseball

May God continue to bless you.
-Marcum

Week in DC

This passed week I was in Reston, VA at an Oracle training center for an Oracle training course that I needed for some upcoming work projects. If you're not familiar with Virginia (I am sure not!), the city of Reston is relatively close to Washington, DC. It was a fun weekend, as I was traveling with a fellow employee, Megan McGee. She had only been working at our place of employment for 3 weeks prior, so we didn't really know each other very well. We had a good time all week, though, and I think the week was a success - we learned a lot throughout our course, we got along well and had a good time, and we got to visit downtown Washington, DC!

Originally when we were planning our trip, I was just planning on playing everything by ear. You know, I didn't really want to have anything planned out. When we flew in on Sunday evening, though, I changed my mind and knew that, with how busy DC and the surrounding areas are, we had to plan our journey(ies). So Monday night we sat down for a few hours and researched all the attractions online, especially those in the National Mall, which is where the Capitol Building, Washington Monument, and such are located. Since we were encouraged strongly against driving all the way into downtown DC (we had a rental car), we instead chose to use the metro which stretched far outside of DC in both directions.

The metro was very helpful, as we only had to drive about 25-30 minutes to the metro station, take the metro straight into the middle of the National Mall, walk around, and take the metro back to our car. However, it wasn't that easy. The only parking for the metro station was a paid parking lot that cost $4.50 per day to park. What a ripoff! Anyway, the guy at the entrance of the parking lot wasn't helpful in telling me how to pay, since they didn't take cash or credit card. We had to go inside the metro and buy a "Fare Card" which cost $10. That card then basically functioned as a $5 gift certificate that we had to use to get out of the parking lot. So, the card cost $5, and had another $5 usable on it. Megan kept the card and put an additional $5 on it (to pay for the metro tolls) while I bought a $5 ticket out of another machine to use for the metro tolls. The whole thing was a mess, and a huge chunk of change delivered straight to the metro's pockets. Once I found out the use of the card and ticket (you scanned the card/ticket when you got on/off the metro, and it automatically paid your fare), it was pretty useful and efficient, but still very annoying to say the least.

Metro Station (click to enlarge)

Anyway, we finally got off the metro at the Smithsonian Institute right smack-dab in the middle of the National Mall. What was a nice, clear, light-blue sky when we got onto the metro was now almost pitch black. Going away along with the light was the warmth. See, on Monday when we sat down to plan our trip, we originally planned to make our trip to DC on Wednesday since the weather forecast was the most favorable (high 35-40 degrees and clear). However, when we left class on Tuesday, it was bright and sunny, clear, and suprisingly warm, so we hurried back to the hotel, got ready, and jetted off to the metro with our plans in hand. Well, it was definitely much colder when we got off the metro than when we got on... around 20 degrees and windy. Megan really wanted to see the National Archives, which had the closing time posted as 9pm on the National Archives' web site. We walked our way over to the huge buliding only to find that the web site failed to mention that there are separate hours for Spring/Summer and Fall/Winter. Yah, we were about 2 hours late, our 7:00 arrival time too late for its 5:00 closing. It was a bummer, but at least we got a picture of the Archives building. Woo hoo!

National Archives (click to enlarge)

From that point on, we didn't really have anything we wanted to see other than the Lincoln Memorial, which was the #1 attraction on my list. We were probably two-thirds towards the Capitol Building (far right), so we walked past the Washington Memorial (center), World War II Memorial (middle left), and then all the way to the Lincoln Memorial (far left). In the freezing cold temperatures and windy conditions, Megan was getting numb all over, and my hands and thighs were numb from taking pictures (without gloves) and only having jeans on respectively. Eventually, sometime during the ~2 miles that we walked to get to the Lincoln Memorial, we began getting used to the cold. We were still cold, but no longer the miserable feeling we had before. Phew! Looking at the map before our trip, we knew it was about 2.4 miles from the Capitol Building to the Lincoln Memorial. However, when you first arrive at the National Mall and look around and think "Hmm, that's not that far away." WRONG! The distance is very decieving because of how humongous the buildings are. They are huge!

Capitol Building

Washington Monument

Lincoln Memorial (wide)

Lincoln Memorial (close-up)

Well, we got off at the Smithsonian, checked out the [closed] National Archives, took a picture of the Capitol Building (from across the Mall), then walked past the Washington Monument, WW2 Memorial, then past the long lake to the Lincoln Memorial. After checking Honest Abe and reading the Gettysburg Address etched in stone on the wall, we passed by the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial. By this time it was completely pitch black outside, and we passed this shady, old guy who was dressed in full uniform. He looked like a homeless man, but started talking to us about the Wall, telling us how many died and so on. It was a very big number, but we were cold and wanted to keep going, so we gave him our attention briefly and then moved on. On our way back, we stopped at the Washington Monument since, from there, there is a straight shot to the White House. Here's a hint: When you set your camera to take a picture on a timer and want to move away from the camera, make sure you are not still holding onto the camera's strap. It kind of ruins the picture when the camera's skidding across a cement railing-wall.

National Mall from Lincoln Memorial, with Washington Monument & Capitol building in background (Megan in foreground)

White House

Well, that was about the extent of our downtown adventures. But when we finally got back to our car at the metro station, the fun began again. We took 267 from the hotel to the metro... all the way to the metro, getting off 267 direction to the metro station. What we didn't realize was that 267 merged with 66 right before our exit. So, when we got back on the highway to drive back to the hotel, we knew the road we were getting on was 267, since we had gotten off of it initially, so we took the 66 road signs as a different labeling coming out of town. Wrong! We took 66 for about 15 miles before we realized we were nowhere close to 267, even though the scenery on 66 looked exactly like that of 267. So, we stopped for directions and had to drive about 15-20 minutes North to get back to our hotel. Then dinner. Phew! At least dinners all week were free.

The rest of the week went pretty smoothly as Megan and I promised we wouldn't get lost again the rest of the trip. During the week I ate four (4) different types of chicken: Spicy buffalo chicken sandwich at Champp's on Sunday, BBQ cheesy chicken sandwich at UNO's in Reston Town Center on Monday, Chicken parmesian with pasta at Macaroni Grill on Wednesday, and Bacon cheesy grilled chicken with honey mustard at the Outback Steakhouse on Thursday, our last night in Reston. The next day we had our last day of class, then took our rental car back, got on the plane, and flew home. End of week.

All in all we both had a really good time! One tip we both would like to give everyone: If your company is paying $3,000 for a 5-day, 9-to-5 corporate training course, show up to class on time! It was amazing to see 2 students in our 6-student class come into class 30+ minutes late every day, with one day someone coming in 2 hours late! We started class 15-30 minutes late every day waiting for them. Respect your company's money and your trainer's/classmates' time by being prompt and attentive. Hmm... this blog is really long. I tried to touch on a lot of things, but I guess I elaborated more than I should have. Sorry, but thanks for reading!

May God continue to bless you.
-Marcum

Skip Bayless - Here's a Kit-Kat

Background: Skip Bayless, the infamous Lebron James hater, said a short while back that Lebron James was not as good a basketball player as Kobe Bryant because Lebron could only win a game by driving to the bucket while Kobe hits jump shots. Skip proceeded to declare on the air that if Lebron hit a game-winning jump-shot, he would dance on the ESPN First Take desk for the entire show.

Well, as some of you know, Lebron hit a game-winning shot with 0.1 second on the clock to beat the Golden State Warriors by 1 point @ Golden State's home floor. There were mass amounts of online posts and chain letters appearing that were encouraging Cavs fans to email Skip to live up to his word. Today on ESPN First Take, Skip addressed this topic but said that it technically wasn't a buzzer-beater since Golden State is the worst defense in the NBA. No dancing. No living up to his word.

So, I took the liberty of sending Skip Bayless and ESPN First Take an email. Here is what it said.

------
I used to watch Cold Pizza all the time, then it switched over to First Take and I still watch it all the time. Skip Bayless is obviously the biggest Lebron James hater, in the truest sense of the word. However, I always thought it was just his (never humble) opinion and that he was acting it up a little bit. But after his inability to fess up (again) and admit that Lebron hit a clutch game-winning shot (again) with 0.1 second on the clock over a 6'10" defender on January 23, I will stop watching First Take altogether because I now know for sure that it's completely 100% "for show" and that I cannot count on any true talk to come out of Skip's mouth. And to think I DVR'd today's episode to see Skip live up to his word and provide some real entertainment... mistake. Remember this?

"If the Cavs somehow manage to beat the Wizards, I'll admit they're good."
We swept the Wizards.
"If the Cavs somehow manage to beat the Nets, I'll admit they're good."
We beat the Nets 4-1.
"That doesn't mean anything! If the Cavs beat the Pistons, which won't happen, then they're the best in the East."
We beat the Pistons 4-2, including one of the best single-game performances in NBA playoff history.

This string of events was a couple years ago, but the same theme rings true. Lebron took a terrible team and single-handedly turned them into contenders in just a few seasons being a pro. Lebron FINALLY has a supporting cast that is worth anything at all, and look what his team is doing now! To Skip I would ask him to be a man, be realistic, and be somewhat of a real person instead of trying to act out this "character" you've been for so long. If you do that, I'll hear about it and will continue to watch the show. But that's not happening, so you've lost one dedicated viewer (and a couple others that I know of) by simply continuing to be childish and never being able to admit you're wrong. And I know I'm only one viewer, and you don't care about me 'cuz you're too big for that; But in order to be a sports talk show personality (oh wait, I just gave in to your sole goal of building a personality), you have to be able to admit the story where there is a story... The story this year has been Lebron James and his Cleveland Cavaliers. Grow up.
------

Well, that's it. I thought I'd share it with you all! Go Cavs!

May God continue to bless you.
-Marcum